our hammock arrived today. LOVE it!

the thing is almost as big (or bigger?) than our minisuite pack n' play type thing.

avery, of course wanted to climb in it so john and i held up each end and let him settle in...i can see how this is going to be a well loved bed turned toy for years to come.

we can rig a frame for it, to please john, without compromising the original consruction and best of all, the organic wool mattress pad i bought for the cradle (that i never i got from my grandma) fits perfectly. this means i might even be able to attach the organic cradle bumper pad to add some color and charm. this thing is amazing...i think i even like it better than the $300 kanoe.

now. to just get my mom over quickly so we can figure out plans for a small project because i need her expertise on the frame...


in other news: took a bunch of stuff to a resale shop today and didn't feel like i was taking as much as i could have parted with, but it was so worth it. they bought most of my stuff and i made out like a bandit! i got evan several outfits (because the kid can't have too many second-hand clothes, right?), a brand new pair of goody goody soft-soled shoes that are in between the 0-6M and 6-12M robeez sizes so they fit him good now and shall last us through the fall (i think). i also picked up a stuffed bowling set because avery's been bugging for one, a cute canvas with a little boy holding a bunch of hearts (to embrace my mothering role), a ride-on toy (not because we needed another one but because avery wouldn't get off of it for like an hour and i felt compelled to take it since other kids were interested in it but avery would only share it for a few minutes and it was only $5). but best of all, i scored a fisher price space saver high chair which i had when avery was little and it was a lifesaver! the bouncy seat still works but now that evan is super aware he doesn't much like to be on the floor when we're eating dinner so now he can sit safely reclined at the table with us. the most awesome thing of all is that i didn't spend a single penny. and i still have a small trade balance. rock!

i wore evan for like three hours today and my neck is killing me. and guess who bites as he nurses? yeah, so i'm gonna make myself a wine spritzer and chill the hell out.

it's one of those no-expectation days, though i do expect to take a shower.

evan has been outfitted with the amber teething necklace and administered the first ever day-time dose of humphrey's. he'd rather gnaw on his hands than nurse and i think he might have a hard time with this cutting teeth thing. but they're there, oh yes. i can see the impending white teeth buds of doom but they look like they're behind, rather than on top of his gums. that wasn't the best explanation and to be honest, i have no idea what's normal. i wasn't super "present" when zachery was a baby since it was easier to let my mom handle things. she wanted to and i didn't want to enough to argue about it.

avery teethed so well that i hardly noticed but evan's entire disposition changes when he's feeling the discomfort. so i look in his mouth for verification and get concerned. but regardless of position, they're there. last time i checked, there some swelling and that was it but now i actually see little white nodules.

the next few weeks should be tons of fun. but i won't hesitate to give him humphrey's like candy. or liquid chamomilla. and i might even slip some to the three year old after reading this: Chamomilla is suited to children with light brown hair that throw temper tantrums. that's funny!


after further reading (scrolling down to read their chart) it seems i could benefit from some chamomilla, as well. hmm......


in other news: the humphrey's knocked evan out and now all of a sudden i feel like getting back to our regularly scheduled programming? avery's occupied with kipper and i feel like updating the journal with mundane crap about my life? i guess so.

maybe last night i was just irked beyond belief that john didn't find the "flight of the concords" song i had in my head half as funny as i did. he actually reprimanded me for walking around saying, "i'm the motherflippin'" out loud because i am an "example" and wouldn't want our three year old to start repeating that. i actually wouldn't care and know that avery wouldn't because i swear in front him all the time and he knows the difference between what mommy can say and what children can't. and when he slips up, i explain the unfairness of it all but let him know that's just how it is. so. i can't say motherflippin' - in john's opinion there are no "nice" ways to avoid saying swear words and i suppose that's true. so i'll just continue on saying the actual swear words. because i'm a lady like that.

also. i met this woman the other day at the store who stopped me to ask about the britax companion, since i was strolling around my heavy infant in his vigour with the carseat attached. she said she'd been looking everywhere for one but they're sold out online and the one she found on craigslist was filthy. her son is in the NICU after arrivng three months early. she's not even from here, but lives three or four hours away and she's been staying near the hospital for two months. he's doing well, and already weighs 4 lbs and my heart just started breaking for her. her and her 11 year old daughter were spending some time together since the hospital is using the swine flu as an excuse not to let children anywhere near the NICU so this poor little girl has only seen her baby brother once through the window. gah, when this lady was telling me all of this, i couldn't help but cry. anyhow, i installed our marathon the other day after deciding to sell her the companion. she is in love with the dark purple cover just as much as i was so that makes me feel good. more power to boys in purple carseats! next week when she takes the carseat, i'm also going to give her a bunch of baby clothes that evan never had the chance to wear or outgrew too fast. i just feel moved to...part of me wants to call her and tell her not to hesitate to call me when she needs to talk, i want to offer her something, but i can hardly be present enough for me and mine and don't know what i could really give her. she's here, alone, though and at least for another month. she doesn't have a car, she stays in the NICU most of the time, as long as they let her. she's not sleeping well or eating well and pumping milk is a challenge. i just don't know what to do, what to say or offer her, but OMG, cue tears, i feel compelled. so suggestions are welcome.

i'm going to quickly clarify something about my entry last night, something that actually kept me up last night, worrying.

my comments about "everyone else" getting a new house or a daughter were not directed at anyone, in particular. it's true.

i lived in apartments until it was 12. i thought houses, ALL houses, regardless of their size, condition, or neighborhood, were for rich people and i always thought we were poor because we lived in an apartment.

and for the most part we were poor, when i was growing up, but not painfully so. not like we ever really had to go without necessities or even many luxuries. anyway, this very immature perspective still haunts me from time to time and right now, yes, there are several of you on my FL that are currently in the market, preparing to move, or just recently moved into the right house. there are also several people i know irl that are or have recently been in similar situations and i just keep wondering "what if" john hadn't been too afraid to get a larger house when we had the chance. "what if" the buyer for this one wouldn't have gone MIA? we'd have been forced into a bigger place three years ago and we'd be making do, whatever our financial situation. things might be even tighter than they are right now, but at least we'd have enough space. it's difficult sometimes to tell myself that this was obviously *how* things were supposed to be and just accept it. i know that this isn't a productive way and i'm glad i don't feel this way all the time.


also, every single one of my close mom friends, since i gave birth to zachery, has had a daughter (or several.) some have had a son, in addition to their daughter, but by and large the majority of girlfriends i hung out regularly after he was born had little girls. in fact, the only friend of mine i can think of that has just a little boy is beth and we're hardly friends at all at this point. and he was born after i'd already had my second. so this comment also wasn't directed at any of my friends, in particular, (real or on lj) even if it could apply to just about every single one of them.

i don't know, maybe this wasn't "quick" but it is the backstory to my comment.

i cannot believe how late it is. i have to pee. sometimes i really love my life. other times i want a completely different one. or none at all. but then when i think i'm going to die, i get completely scared and want to hold on to everything, forever.

then it all starts to suck again and i can't even be bothered to go pee. because i'm still trying to slowly add pictures to photobucket. which i still immensely hate. i keep wanting to give this online selling/trading thing a break but then i keep wanting money for things and this is the only way to get money. only it sucks and sales are even slower than they've been all year.

i need to stop peeking into the diaper bag and stroller yahoo group messages to eliminate all temptations for shit i don't need. and i should be happy that bravado is out of the nursing tank tops in the size i need because i don't have the money to participate in a recent co-op for them, anyhow. nevermind that i busted my exhausted ass to update the quickbooks so john could turn in a grant proposal. the company can't really afford to pay me. and i knew this would happen, and months ago, i asked him if it would be a problem. i suggested a rate decrease because he does pay me a lot to do the books, but it's not a lot when it's only about an hour of work per month. or seven hours total when i wait half a year to start. so i'm not really complaining because i knew the situation going into it, but i had to really question myself and my attitude yesterday and today.

i think money can buy happiness. or mine, anyway.

fuck all this trying to be righteous and proper and content and satisfied with what i have. that's been my problem my entire life. always wanting what i don't have, what others do. but now in grown up world? where i should know better? where i've worked for years to eliminate "jealousy" not only from my vocabulary but also from my range of feelings? ha! i'm still jealous. to the point that i hate myself for feeling this way. everyone else gets a new house, everyone else gets a daughter. everyone else gets clothes and toys for their kids without having to sell shit they already have.

i know this isn't true. and even if it appears that way, i know "everyone else" has their own list of problems and list of wants and i know my life might even seem desirable to some. it's laughable to me, but i know it's true. and overall i am truthfully very much in love with my life. except when i'm not.

because, like, i waxed my eyebrows last night and they've been itchy ever since. and i have some weird zit-like things going on and it's red and blotchy. and i feel on edge and impatient lately. and i was having this fantasy about going back to school in a year or so. part-time. i miss it, i think. then it occurred to me that i can't because i think i really do need to get married and then i won't qualify for financial aid but we won't be able to afford classes. catch 22. and again, back to the money buying my happiness. i hate feeling that way, too. even if i could eliminate the feeling of wanting what other people have, i still feel that money could solve a lot of my problems. since not having money is such a source of my unhappiness, it only stands to reason that having enough would make me happy. and i'm awful for not being able to be completely happy with what i have. i know.

but i don't know how to go about accomplishing that. we spent $100 at trader joe's today. $20 of it was on beer and wine but still $80? i didn't even get a lot of what i normally would have and i've never spent that much on a single trip there. i've never blown all of our grocery money in one day.

i have no idea why i'm even going on about this. i no longer believe that releasing my angst in livejournal is healthy. i don't really care enough to keep this up. i think i'll take up blogging a facade, instead. with adverts and all that shit. monetizing, pay me to read about my shiny, happy life, click on a few links and cha-ching, pay for my happiness.

i'm not, it ain't no lie. i traded a local craigslister a diaper bag and some baby girl clothes for a maclaren techno. it's a few years old, the tires suck, and the seat pad was stained (not the actual seat but the extra liner which is pretty inconsequential) - but overall, it's decent and cleaned up nicely.

so? sell the practically new owen, which i like but didn't love? yeah, the plaid wasn't as bright and peppy in person as it was online and it doesn't match a goddamn thing i own - so i'm thinking i'll sell it or trade it towards some crazy expensive stroller i want to try out, and keep the newly hosed down techno as our indoor stroller because it fully reclines, and the owen doesn't. then, if i ever want to use it as a regular stroller, i won't feel like "OMGZ, it's getting used and losing resale value quickly" the way i'd feel about taking the owen out of the house. crazy, yes. but smart? absolutely! and taking it to disneyland? no worries if it happened to get stolen, but it wouldn't because it'd be even more old and worn by then. and on an airline? if it got broken, at least my heart wouldn't break as well.

also in stroller news, i recently talked myself out of really wanting an uppababy vista because i don't think i could never feel good about spending $600 on a stroller even if could vomit money and i also don't need the bassinet and think it's stupid that the company doesn't just sell the stroller alone.

there is so much more real important and relevant stuff to do, but not really to write about. so.

i need to catch up on friend's list reads tonight. maybe i'll even comment ;)

i still want a baby hammock. i found a kickass one on spot's corner with a price that can't be beat. oh the dramaz in my hizzouse.

john still doesn't think it's a good idea, but like my car, i think this time i'm putting my foot down and getting what i want. since i'm used to that, and all, you'd think it would always be the case but guess who is now regretting not going ahead with the belly henna? and a myriad of other things. because i listen to the reason and logic he provides and forget about what i want.

well not about this, damn it.

i want a freaking baby hammock! i mean, how awesome is this?

i have no idea why writing in here is becoming less and less important.
is it that keeping a livejournal for eight years, nine years, whatever, has become stale?
does this mean i won't be able to "blog" for a living?

i don't know. i do know that i don't feel the urge to bitch and complain about my life and my partner and every little thing, as i've been known to do, but i don't know if that's because there is less to bitch about, i'm making a concerted effort to be more grateful and appreciative rather than pissy and critical, or things are the same and i'm just too exhausted to replay them when the day is done.

it might be a combination of all three. life with a toddler and a baby is so consuming that i really, really, t-r-u-l-y envy all you busy mamas that have more kids than i do, or just as many, but closer in age that manage to keep up with the photos and the housekeeping and the dinner and homeschooling and the this and the that.

i just can't comprehend it. one day i was telling john how our three year old asked why i never paint his finger or toenails and john's response was something along the lines of, well, he's with you all day and so he naturally identifies with you and if mama's toenails are painted, why not his? and i'm like, really? are you shitting me? i don't think i've had the time or inclination to paint my toenails but maybe twice since the three year old was born. ha!

but this will all change. i am taking more time for myself. or making more time, something like that. starting tomorrow. or something like that. no, but really.

i want to paint my toenails. i want to stop using my "i've tried to adopt a more natural, healthy lifestyle" excuse to look dumpy and frumpy. i don't think i'll take to plastering on the make-up again (even mineral) before i leave the house, but i want pretty toenails. and moisturized feet. when my sister commented on my heels the other day and said i just needed lotion, which isn't true, i laughed. then she said, no really, you just have to put lotion on everyday and i wanted to tell her to have some kids and then talk to me about having time to apply lotion to oneself. on a daily basis. by the time i was her age, i had a two year old. i was living on my own. i was working and going to community college full time. i still managed to go out and party a lot and somehow over the years i got tired. really fucking tired. of trying. of looking good. of making time for myself. and it shows, oh god does it show. for years i told myself i was okay with it, this is what moms do. my "me time" became wasting time on the internet.

i want to paint my toenails. i want to feel better and do better by myself. i don't know how i'm going to make all of this happen but spending less time online is step one.

i am loving life, but not the structurally unsound shape my body is in.

last night my right hip socket ached so bad, i haven't felt pain like that since i was pregnant. i could hardly move or get out of bed (again). i stretch to feel better and because i want to be strong enough to start doing yoga again but i always feel worse after.

no, i still haven't made an appointment with a chiropracter and the baby is almost three months old.

how did that happen? i'm serious. just as i begin to accept that it's a new year, half of it is gone. my mom and step dad just celebrated their 20 year wedding anniversary. i feel old.

my wrist is jacked but overall i'm happy. i'm loving life. i'm making the best of the small house situation. i got a sexy new bookshelf and i turned down john's offer to get cable. i can think of a lot better things to spend (or not spend) $60 a month on and i don't want to be more reliant on sitting on my arse or plopping my kid in front of the TV.

this year, after the decluttering phase is done (and hopefully done for good on this mass-scale, and kept manageable afterward) i plan on practicing on my sewing machine. just doing it. maybe taking a class at hobby lobby but just going head-on. i've waited for years for someone to show me, to help me, and it's never happened, meanwhile ideas pile up in my head and projects that need mending pile up in my closet. i will also learn to crochet as a way to accent my knitting. and i will paint and actually open up that etsy shop i started four years ago. that's my plan.

for avery:
OMG plastic toy!!!

i'd rather not, but he's obsessed and i'd rather not give him zachery's old legos which would be BIG HUGE choking hazard for evan.

for evan:
OMG might as well be plastic because it's still synthetic!!! but it makes the darn coolest melodies, even by someone as musically uninclined as myself.

he's also getting a wooden bowl and some wooden spoons as well as the thinkbaby dishes which are incredibly expensive but also VERY awesome. and the price doesn't hurt so much when drugstore.com has offers like $20 off a $65 order if you use paypal, combined with free shipping. i like that!

i have no idea what to get zachery or john but it's going to be a slim year because each year, that's just what happens, and we have no room for lots of crap. i really want to get the willow toys wooden castle but not this year. there's no way i can squeeze it into the sunroom now that i've finally got art/office space in there for myself. maybe when avery and evan are 5 and 2? it might be more appropriate then and we might have a larger home by then.

evan is just going to do everything early, i suppose.

i couldn't figure out why he was screaming, two diaper changes, a walk outside, cuddles, attempts at nursing, still.

john took over and figured it out when evan started gumming his own arm. by god, the child is teething! i didn't believe it but when i started to rub a dissolved humphrey's i felt the super inflamed gums :(

good thing that shit is magic because he settled nicely into the curve of my neck and fell promptly asleep :)


also, my mom kicks ass and i love my sister a whole lot ;)

i have a lot to do and a lot to say but don't bother to say much.
i read but don't comment. because it's hard to type with a heavy baby in my amrs or on my lap. this is why facebook is easier. but i wanted to share my happiness about this virgin music festival...they're giving away tickets for free but what makes me most happy is that if you want to pay for them, they're cheap and part of the proceeds go towards helping homeless. so awesome that something so big and grand and happy can happen!

http://www.virginmobilefestival.com/#/tickets/karma/

if i were younger and had the bucks to buy a plane ticket, i'd go.
just to say i did.

john is now working from home, mostly all the time. it's only day 2 but i really think it's going to work and it certainly forces me to be more productive and patient around here. reminds me: must find pasta salad recipe for dinner...

i will have my own desk/laptop set up again this weekend but it won't be easy to sit there all day, tending to online business - instead, i will have the motivation to create a rhythm to our day. yesterday went really well, i actually did three or four loads of laundry and put it all away, did some workbook/coloring/ABCs stuff with avery, relaxed a bit, kept on top of the dishes and kitchen clutter - i just felt very domestically productive, overall.

today i was catching up on my bookkeeping duties since john needs current accounting records before applying for a business grant. he had some errands to run and took avery with him, so i got a nice little break and was able to do a bit of work without being exhausted, at the end of the day, when i usually tackle this job.

i am very excited about some trades i have in the works - christmas gifts are getting taken care of, homeschooling materials are on their way, we're getting a marble run! some much needed ruskovilla soakers (it helps to know distributor's and trade with them!) and rounding out our "waldorf-ish" library both in book and CD format. who knew i'd want a bunch of jim weiss CDs and children's music for the car? avery is *very* into stories and loves his two books on disc, but we can only find one and need more. i'm just really excited, settling into life as i know it and learning to love every moment of it.

things are so much better, on all fronts, than they were when i was pregnant. as unprepared and uncertain as i felt, now i can say i feel confident and sure of our path. we just need to define it as we go, creating harmony whenever possible.


oh and next post, pictures! yay! i'm going to try to get to it now but john is probably going to get home in a minute and he'll need his office back but this baby is super smiley and wears black well, and it just needs to be shared :)

i have no idea how they make fat free half and half. i mean i understand the concept behind skim milk or fat free anything, but half and half is supposed to be fattening and creamy, except i'm gaining weight at an alarming rate or at least feel heavy and bloated and i'm going to blame the coffee twice a day habit that instead of kicking, will be nourished with fat free half and half from now on. whatever that is.

i'm also trying to clean the house today so we can veg tomorrow in celebration of father's day. trying is the operative word because i'm motivated and experiencing a respite from all of the hip, pelvis, leg pain that came back with a vengeance recently. fuck. but thank god for motrin. if i wasn't nursing, you'd better believe it would be vicodin.

but anyway. father's day. not much planned, got a few gifts i think will be well-appreciated, need to make or go get a card. mailed my father's earlier this week even though i called him a long time ago to see if he was still in colorado or had already moved to las vegas. when i got no response and was running out of time, i emailed his wife. she never responded so i just mailed it to vegas since i called the colorado home and the number had been disconnected. then i found out my mom had emailed him over a month ago, well before my sister's graduation because even though he's not her father, he shows a genuine interest in her life. my mom got no reply, either. so i'm thinking they could be dead, but they're probably just assholes.

the cardiologist and resident didn't hear a murmur. this is good, as the pediatrician that saw even at his eight week appt. said it sounded so slight that it was probably closing. so we'll never know what it was or where it was as the cardiologist gave him a kiss on the top of his head and a clean bill of health.

worried mama might still see if the midwife will take another listen. i owe her some books and money, anyway.


and i came across this on the huggies goodnites site, not because i was looking there for bedwetting reassurance but because someone mentioned that goodmama has named some new diapers "goodnights" and i got google happy. anyway, i read this:
The most important thing to remember is that kids DON'T wet the bed because they're lazy. No one wets the bed on purpose. It's simply a condition that requires patience and understanding until a child outgrows it.

and thought it was funny since i specifically mentioned that i think part of avery's bedwetting issue is laziness. so let me clarify. 1. he straight up told me that he just didn't want to get up and out of bed twice and except for tonight and a few times the first week we did away with pull-ups, he was only wetting around the time he'd normally get out of bed in the morning so i figured yeah. nice warm bed. he knows he has cloth trainers on and probably figures they'd be as absorbant as a pull-up. but they're so not and we had a talk about it. and 2. on nights like last night when it occurs in the middle of the night/early morning i so don't chalk it up to being lazy and i am patient and understanding. he wakes immediately and we take care of it. i get sort of scared by statistics that say this can affect children up until the teen years. maybe it will be something that takes a lot of time, but i'm thinking not. he just got really used to the damned pull-ups and didn't have to train his brain and bladder sooner.

this is a thousand, nay, a bazillion times better than what i was dealing with a few months ago and i can live with this for years, if i have to. i just don't think it will continue - but if it does, i think i can be pretty patient and understanding. but part of me wonders, as much as i think that not fully potty training was strictly due to a stubborn battle-of-wills and disposable diaper/pull-up manufacturers profit off of the concept that parents should be lax and let their kids go at their own pace, so they do the same to market night time disposable products? i guess i don't truly think that kids wet the bed because they're stubborn or simply to be an inconvenience to their parents, but do companies over-simplify the issue to sell more packages of diapers for big kids? it's late, i'm not making a ton of sense but i know i'll never be desperate enough to put my kid in paper boxers with an absorbant center.

my child is potty learned, which sounds so contrived and i'd rather just say potty trained.
but he still wets the bed often. this i am not stressed about because i know there are sometimes valid reason for this phenomenon. in my son's case, i think it's just a mixture of giving him too much water before bed and his own laziness. but maybe not. either way, he only wets the bed two or three days out of the week but he only manages to pee on the waterproof pad i put between him and sheets about half the time. so today is one of those days where his bed was spared at 4:30 but mine was not at 7:30, so sheets will have to be washed.

i'm folding laundry and putting away diapers. which i am so unenthused about. i almost don't like cloth diapers anymore but i know i'd feel terrible, heartwrenching guilt if i had to throw away a disposable every time i changed the baby. plus, they're expensive. so whatever. i do but i'm just not all gung-ho about it like i used to be.

i'm not sure if i'm gung-ho about anything and wonder about things like depression and flat affect and mental illness of all sorts. i'm happy and content, i tell myself, and that doesn't mean i need to be all the time elated.

i have almost burnt the morning oatmeal and i'm out of all things dairy so have nothing to add to a cup of coffee i so desperately want. i forget to buy coffee mate or steal individual servings of creamer at places that offer them to have on hand for emergencies like this.

i take deep breaths and still question reality every now and then. whatever that means.

and today, at 3:00, i have to take the baby to see the cardiologist and i hope it's the last time. though it probably won't be unless they plan on doing an echocardiogram today. but i didn't know until just right now that it probably requires sedation. i wanted john to come with, but even at the time when i made the appointment, it seemed something he was not interested in doing. not making him out to be a jerk, just saying that was the impression i got and now everything in the universe has conspired just so that i pretty much have to go do this alone.

so i picked up one of these things:



(it's a boon snack ball, btw)


it's got that happy BPA/PVC-free stamp of crunchymom approval on it.

when i remove it from the package harsh chemical smells emit and intoxicate.
then i open it up and can feel the toxic fumes escape under my nose.

wtf is it made of? i call boon and ask.

it's made of ABS and polypropelyne. that ABS sounds like serious shit. and it's in some tattoo ink? ugh. i wonder what's in mine that still, after having some for more than a decade, get itchy and raised at times.

i just don't think there is a safe plastic and even if i tried to remove it all from my home, i couldn't remove it all from my body.

*shudders*

i kept feeling something crawling on me, but just barely. figured it was my hair falling out and sweeping my arm.

then i felt it across my chest, looked down, and saw an itty flesh colored spider? dunno, but i picked it up and squished it. add another bug killing strike against my gentle karma.

i'm going to go take the pictures back to penney's in a little while. they'll reprint another, less shitastic pose for me. so at least there's that. i had wanted to get them sent out right away since i'm normally so delayed at mom duties like mailing pictures of her kids. like, in the same season they were taken, but what's another two weeks?

i had originally chosen the only picture that resembled a smiley baby but really it was just a retarded flatulent expression. i'll take serious business baby over that, thank you very much.

and i thought i had more of an update but no.

i was so excited to pick up the baby's pictures today. and the suck.

oh my god to high heaven do they suck.

i knew it would be the last time i ever went to penney's for crappy baby pictures (i was only doing it because my other two kids had their crappy baby pictures taken at the mall) but just to make sure of that, they made them as crappy as possible. super crappy. crappier than i ever could have imagined.

i guess even their new flatscreen monitors are deceiving so the color and expression are all wrong in print. and the "extras" they printed are shitastic but i bought them because buying all three sheets was cheaper than buying the two that were somewhat decent. of all the poses we got in the whopping seven minutes or so dedicated to our session (what a joke!) they went and printed 1. the worst 2. the main pose which sucks and 3. a somewhat decent one but none of the ones i'd wanted.

too bad i can't get a re-do :(

i should have gone to bed a million years ago but i peeked into the hyenacart forum for expectant moms just to see how eveyone was doing...and just. ugh.

carmela of clear hills honey lost her baby, in labor, because it was breech.

just. i don't even know.


reminder to thank my lucky stars that evan turned and that he was healthy despite being early. and i need to quit being such a dickhead and just get over my lost, last homebirth already.